SPOT THE LITERARY MISTAKE..................
Ok, I know it's only a week or two since I posted an unpublished article from ages ago. But since nobody seems to have noticed, I'll just drop in another.
A year or so ago our dear old local newspaper The Gulf News ran a competition to celebrate it's 30th birthday. All you had to do was write a thousand word piece set on Waiheke, 30 years into the future.
Easy, I thought. Waiheke is wonderful enough now, give it thirty more years and it will be even better. So I wrote the following jolly little tale.
Alas, I had forgotten the rules of New Zealand literature.
1. Life is NOT funny.
2. All good literature is gloomy and depressing, (Janet Frame understood this)
3. The future is going to suck.
Naturally the three winning entries were pure unadulterated shite. Written by whining fuckwits, who, having got it all down on paper probably went off and slit their wrists, and good riddance..
Now I'm not saying my entry wasn't shite too.
It was.
But at least it was cheerful.
Anyway.....here it is.
The Gulf News. July 5th 2033.
A DAY IN THE LIFE.
This week we meet Zack Sprott, Equerry to his Royal Highness Prince Barry II of Waiheke.
“It’s a pretty easy job when all’s said and done. Looking after His Royalness. Working in the Royal Household is a family tradition for me, my old Dad was Equerry to Barry the First. That was back in the days after the island declared independence. The short lived ‘Republic’ lasted about three months, which was long enough to get us disentangled from the rest of the country and also long enough for everyone to realise how expensive and boring republics are. The referendum that saw our Monarchy established was run through in a matter of days.
Prince Barry Senior was a nice old bloke. Liked a beer and a day out fishing, and hardly ever tried to get involved in running the place, which of course worked out just fine for everyone. He’d run for the old Community Board a few times around the turn of the century and had been disastrously beaten every time. Gracious and cheerful in defeat, he was the obvious choice for the new Monarch.
I was just a sprogger when he got voted in, but I remember his Coronation like it was yesterday. Everyone cheering and crying as the Royal Morris Minor convertible drove through the streets of Oneroa on it’s way to the Ostend Stadium.
Well, Barry the First died back in ’29, and his son took his place. We’d been at the High School together and when my Dad retired the following year I stepped into his shoes. I live just round the corner from the Royal Residence in Surfdale, and usually arrive around nine to start on the day’s work.
The Crown Prince has a fairly busy schedule. There are events to be opened, Vineyards to be visited, (The Royal family taste all new vintages before bottling, it’s a tradition) and visiting foreign dignitaries to be welcomed. Waiheke has set something of a fashion for this type of new tame royalty, and with what used to be called New Zealand gradually devolving into smaller independent countries, it’s now fairly common to see new royal dynasties springing up everywhere. Most are based on the ideals that we pioneered. The King, Queen, Prince or whatever has to look nice, have a pleasant smile, be capable of waving properly and promise not to get any funny ideas about trying to govern. That’s the people’s job.
Now today for example, Prince Barry is due to attend the monthly Auditions. Ever since all new building was banned on the island back in 2011, the population has stabilised at around ten thousand. People still say that there are Real Estate Agents hiding in the hills out at the eastern end, but personally, I think that’s just something Mothers tell their kids to get them to behave. “Go to sleep or the Real Estate Agent will get you!” That sort of thing.
Nowadays, anyone wishing to move here has to apply to get in. They have to answer a simple questionnaire and will then be called on to appear at the new thousand seater Theatre at the Artworks Entertainment Centre and give a performance of some sort in front of a local crowd. Some sing, some dance, some paint pictures. As long as they can do at least something creative, then the crowd will vote and a verdict will be given. Last month, we got a family that did nothing but drivel on about being Property Developers. Even the kids. They were on the ‘George Hudson’ back to town in short order let me tell you.
After that, the Prince is due at the Parliament Buildings in Ostend for the State Opening of Parliament. Many outsiders wonder why we feel the need to open Parliament as many as fifteen (Sometimes twenty) times a year. It all goes back to the very first such event back in 2007. The architect that designed the new building, (Replacing the old Council offices that were burned down by a furious mob the year before) had little experience designing anything but Pubs. So he stuck to what he knew best and we ended up with a seat of Government featuring more beer taps than offices. Needless to say, the first State Opening went on for over a week, and was such a success that we now do it as often as possible.
This afternoon the Prince was due to inspect the Armed Forces. But the Army called this morning to say his Mum’s not well, and the Navy is still beached on the Causeway having a new bait locker fitted, so we’ve put that off for a couple of days.
That means the State Visit of His Eminence, the Grand Duke of Henderson can be extended a bit. The Prince likes to conduct all such business on the deck of the Royal Yacht, and there have been some lovely snapper running this year, so that should work out all right.
His Royalness married a couple of years ago. Princess Sharon, eldest daughter of the Earl of Taihape, has been a wonderful addition to the family. What she doesn’t know about cooking up a feed of sausage rolls isn’t worth knowing. Their son is a nice lad too. Plays Centre Forward for the Waiheke Dotterels Junior Squad and looks set to be as popular a ruler as his Dad.
This evening is the State Banquet to commemorate the day twenty five years ago, that the Mayor of Auckland and a number of his staff were hurled off the wharf at Matiatia and made to swim home. “Shark Bait Day’ is a popular event in the local calendar with parties, poetry readings and firework displays happening all over the island.
His Royalness usually catches the late news on Waiheke TV before retiring to bed. As for me, well, the barmaid at Salvage has been giving me the eye lately, and it’s not like I have to be up that early….
Ok, I know it's only a week or two since I posted an unpublished article from ages ago. But since nobody seems to have noticed, I'll just drop in another.
A year or so ago our dear old local newspaper The Gulf News ran a competition to celebrate it's 30th birthday. All you had to do was write a thousand word piece set on Waiheke, 30 years into the future.
Easy, I thought. Waiheke is wonderful enough now, give it thirty more years and it will be even better. So I wrote the following jolly little tale.
Alas, I had forgotten the rules of New Zealand literature.
1. Life is NOT funny.
2. All good literature is gloomy and depressing, (Janet Frame understood this)
3. The future is going to suck.
Naturally the three winning entries were pure unadulterated shite. Written by whining fuckwits, who, having got it all down on paper probably went off and slit their wrists, and good riddance..
Now I'm not saying my entry wasn't shite too.
It was.
But at least it was cheerful.
Anyway.....here it is.
The Gulf News. July 5th 2033.
A DAY IN THE LIFE.
This week we meet Zack Sprott, Equerry to his Royal Highness Prince Barry II of Waiheke.
“It’s a pretty easy job when all’s said and done. Looking after His Royalness. Working in the Royal Household is a family tradition for me, my old Dad was Equerry to Barry the First. That was back in the days after the island declared independence. The short lived ‘Republic’ lasted about three months, which was long enough to get us disentangled from the rest of the country and also long enough for everyone to realise how expensive and boring republics are. The referendum that saw our Monarchy established was run through in a matter of days.
Prince Barry Senior was a nice old bloke. Liked a beer and a day out fishing, and hardly ever tried to get involved in running the place, which of course worked out just fine for everyone. He’d run for the old Community Board a few times around the turn of the century and had been disastrously beaten every time. Gracious and cheerful in defeat, he was the obvious choice for the new Monarch.
I was just a sprogger when he got voted in, but I remember his Coronation like it was yesterday. Everyone cheering and crying as the Royal Morris Minor convertible drove through the streets of Oneroa on it’s way to the Ostend Stadium.
Well, Barry the First died back in ’29, and his son took his place. We’d been at the High School together and when my Dad retired the following year I stepped into his shoes. I live just round the corner from the Royal Residence in Surfdale, and usually arrive around nine to start on the day’s work.
The Crown Prince has a fairly busy schedule. There are events to be opened, Vineyards to be visited, (The Royal family taste all new vintages before bottling, it’s a tradition) and visiting foreign dignitaries to be welcomed. Waiheke has set something of a fashion for this type of new tame royalty, and with what used to be called New Zealand gradually devolving into smaller independent countries, it’s now fairly common to see new royal dynasties springing up everywhere. Most are based on the ideals that we pioneered. The King, Queen, Prince or whatever has to look nice, have a pleasant smile, be capable of waving properly and promise not to get any funny ideas about trying to govern. That’s the people’s job.
Now today for example, Prince Barry is due to attend the monthly Auditions. Ever since all new building was banned on the island back in 2011, the population has stabilised at around ten thousand. People still say that there are Real Estate Agents hiding in the hills out at the eastern end, but personally, I think that’s just something Mothers tell their kids to get them to behave. “Go to sleep or the Real Estate Agent will get you!” That sort of thing.
Nowadays, anyone wishing to move here has to apply to get in. They have to answer a simple questionnaire and will then be called on to appear at the new thousand seater Theatre at the Artworks Entertainment Centre and give a performance of some sort in front of a local crowd. Some sing, some dance, some paint pictures. As long as they can do at least something creative, then the crowd will vote and a verdict will be given. Last month, we got a family that did nothing but drivel on about being Property Developers. Even the kids. They were on the ‘George Hudson’ back to town in short order let me tell you.
After that, the Prince is due at the Parliament Buildings in Ostend for the State Opening of Parliament. Many outsiders wonder why we feel the need to open Parliament as many as fifteen (Sometimes twenty) times a year. It all goes back to the very first such event back in 2007. The architect that designed the new building, (Replacing the old Council offices that were burned down by a furious mob the year before) had little experience designing anything but Pubs. So he stuck to what he knew best and we ended up with a seat of Government featuring more beer taps than offices. Needless to say, the first State Opening went on for over a week, and was such a success that we now do it as often as possible.
This afternoon the Prince was due to inspect the Armed Forces. But the Army called this morning to say his Mum’s not well, and the Navy is still beached on the Causeway having a new bait locker fitted, so we’ve put that off for a couple of days.
That means the State Visit of His Eminence, the Grand Duke of Henderson can be extended a bit. The Prince likes to conduct all such business on the deck of the Royal Yacht, and there have been some lovely snapper running this year, so that should work out all right.
His Royalness married a couple of years ago. Princess Sharon, eldest daughter of the Earl of Taihape, has been a wonderful addition to the family. What she doesn’t know about cooking up a feed of sausage rolls isn’t worth knowing. Their son is a nice lad too. Plays Centre Forward for the Waiheke Dotterels Junior Squad and looks set to be as popular a ruler as his Dad.
This evening is the State Banquet to commemorate the day twenty five years ago, that the Mayor of Auckland and a number of his staff were hurled off the wharf at Matiatia and made to swim home. “Shark Bait Day’ is a popular event in the local calendar with parties, poetry readings and firework displays happening all over the island.
His Royalness usually catches the late news on Waiheke TV before retiring to bed. As for me, well, the barmaid at Salvage has been giving me the eye lately, and it’s not like I have to be up that early….
posted by Dr Vexation @ 5:18 PM
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